Does Farting Run In YOUR Family?

I know, I know, I've been a bad girl and haven't updated in DAYS! The end of the year is nuts! PURE.ASS.NUTS! Job 1 is just busy but with less nuts. But.. job 2???? OH.MY.GOD! Retail.Christmas. Are you getting it?? People are nasty and pushy and bitchy and I hate them all. Many folks are unhappy as a rule on a regular day. At Christmas, take that times a ga-zillion, then square it, then, take it to the Nth power. That otta bout give ya the picture. I've had my ass chewed so much this week that I should have to stuff my pants with toilet paper to make a butt cheek. Unfortunately, "I SHOULD" is just wishful thinking! There's still plenty there for the chewing. That's good cause I got a few more weeks til it's over.

I worked on a manly sized power point presentation/game for 2 days at job 1. It had to be done and ready to go by 4pm on Thursday. It has tons of hyperlinks and of course, after you click on a catagory, it has to dim or change colors so you know where you are. One slide has to have a hyperlink to another and a "return to main menu" and a "return to previous slide" button too. I had to undo the hyperlinks assigned to the text boxes and reassign them to the "text" in the boxes. Ok, times 80some slides, with 30 some boxes on each slide -- anyway, it was a nightmare. BUT, when it was done, we were all playing the Safety Jeopardy game :) I was proud - really proud of my handy work. I emailed it off to the people that needed it and sat back in my chair admiring myself. I reached my arms up high for a good long much needed stretch when POP... loud. Painful. In my back. By 8pm last night, I couldn't turn my head either way. How special. I managed job 2 - ass chewings and all - and couldn't wait to get home to my ibuprofin and heating pad. I could NOT sleep. I had a towel rolled up under my neck trying to stop the throbbing. No luck. I'm not a good patient and haven't been to the backer-cracker since Princess Diana died. I remember laying in bed watching that whole sad sad drama unfold after getting backer-cracked. Anyway, I called him today - he could see me at 10. BOOK'EM DANO, I'll be there. Job 1 is great about appointments and it was no big deal. But... have you ever heard of the Pro Adjuster? Ok, no, it has nothing to do with the backer-crackers talent, it's a machine. Search Google for it and watch the demo. I swear, when he picked up that thingymajigger, I thought he was gonna taser me. I shit you not... in all honesty, I didn't hardly feel a thing but boy was I scared. It just taps you until the vertibre is moving like it should - all freed up. When it senses that it's corrected the problem, it turns itself off and he moves on to the next problem spot. Mind you, I had like 5 or 6 of them... anyway, I was feeling pretty good when I left there. Within an hour I could tell it was better. After another hour, I was in PAIN! MY.GOD! How come when you put your back out it hurts worse when it's all fixed up??? Ibuprofin and the heating pad are my new best friends, at least for the next couple of days. Backer-cracker said he'd recheck me next week but that he didn't think I'd need anything else. HELL NO I WON'T. HAVEN'T YOU ALREADY KILLED ME??? I'm thinking the taser might not have hurt so bad in the end after all!

The snow has finally stopped. I think. At least for a day. It snowed again like a banchy on Wednesday - white out conditions and blowing and freezing for like 5 hours. Today the sun was shining and it was melting. We should all have p-monia before it's over I think. After the back thing today, I walk like a goober-head with "full pants" on the ice. I can't imagine slipping or sliding or worse yet - FALLING - and having to redo this. I'm sure it's entertaining to watch. Son has been snowblowing his guts out for folks. New snowblower has paid for itself - just since Monday. But.. :) I'm happy to report, all the snowblowing has also landed him some construciton jobs! WHOO HOO!! God is good, isn't he!? I've been worried that he would have trouble getting going in his business but his name and reputation are really proving themselves. I couldn't be more proud of him. Well, ok, I could - you know, the whole wedding/father/bestman thing.. anyway... He's a good kid and I'm one lucky and proud Mom.

My car had been steering like crap! I swore some days it was just gonna hit a bump and toss me right into the ditch. So, finally, I got it in to get all fixed up. Had an 11:00 appt on Wednesday. Just an alignment. Ok, fine. At 5:00 oopss, they hadn't started it. Son explains to him that I HAVE.TO. have my car tonight (Wednesday) yeah yeah.. he'll do it right now. Oops.. it needs a tie rod. It'll be tomorrow. I KNEW IT! I stewed about that for 2 days - like that was going to fix it.. Sometimes I'm such a dork. Anyway, tomorrow came and oops.. it's not a tie rod, I need an alignment and a couple bolts tightened.. ok, fine. Just fix it already! OOpppss... come look at this.. "Lady, what did you run over, a boulder??" Excuse me?? I didn't run over anything or anyone for that matter - however there is a list and he's about to be on it! The back tie rod? - not the front - is bent to shit. I think I'd have known had I run over something to cause that... anyway, he got a used whatever and FINALLY got it fixed. Why does everything have to take so much work?? Now I have some oil seal something or other leaking a bit. I can only imagine the fun I'll have trying to get that damn thing fixed. Excederin Tension Headache is now near and dear to my heart, and my head!

My heart aches for my parents. I really will be glad when this season has passed. People are shopping -- I got this for my Mom. Dad would like that. I just smile and agree. Sometimes it about brings me to tears though. One more day -- that's all I want with them. I know, one more day would just make me want one more day - just like the song says. It's not that I have things that are unsaid or undone but who wouldn't like to tell them just once more "I love you" or see them smile or hug them or just talk to them? I know it does get easier as time goes on. Mom's been gone for 14 years now, and yes, the pain is better, but right now, I miss them both like they left yesterday. A girl at job 2 has had her Mom living with her for a couple months until her house buying was done. She just moved out last weekend. All this chick has done is bitch about her Mom being there in her space. I finally jumped her shit and told her I don't care how she feels about her Mom but I didn't want to hear it anymore. I was of course furious, and crying, when I reminded her that I'd trade her any day of the week. She hasn't talked to me for 2 days and I don't care. If I have to address it again, I'm just kickin' her ass. My patience in that area are gone and I'm NOT listening to her talk about her Mom like that anymore.

YS and I got to gabbing on the phone Tuesday night. I swear. I bet my parents look down here at the two of us just cracking up all the time - like to the point of crying and snorting - and they wonder what's wrong with us. We were talking about things that happened when we were growing up. Funny things, stupid things -- we tried to make a list of 100 things. At first we were kinda dry and stuffy, but once we got going.. we went on and on and on and had many more than 100. Try it - you'll laugh yourself silly. Now my folks were great people and loved us very much but they were crazy! hahaha OS had broken her arm once and laid around with a limp, broken arm for days before they decided she needed to see the doctor. Yep, broken. Cast it. Helloo??? I broke my collar bone in kindergarten. I laid on the couch unable to even sit myself up for several days much less get my arms over my head to get dressed before she decided I wasn't faking it and should see the doctor. Yep, broken. Brace it. YS was unable to move her head/neck for days and days and her head was kinda stuck tipped to one side. Mom finally takes her to the doctor. He's mortified. She has spiral mennengitas and needs to go to the hospital NOW. Mom looks at YS and asks "do you wanna go to the hosptial?" YS of course says no. Mom says "ok, I'm taking her home." HOLY CRAP! HOME?? WHAT???? YS and I were playing Sorry. Alot. I beat her 22 games in a row. I was the reining champ. She told me that if I beat her once more she was gonna pee on my bed. I whipped her alright. She stood up ON MY BED and just peed all over it. I told my Mom who didn't believe me. I had to change my own bedding and was looked at like I had a bladder problem. YS was proud! Then there was the kabongo's tape. Don't ask me how we came up with that word but all you have to do is say it and we bust into laughter. YS and I were in grade school and playing school. We were reading math questions into a tape recorder for a "test" that we'd eventually make some poor kid take and it was supposed to be timed, etc.. when all of the sudden, from out of nowhere (I'm already laughing) I rip a big fat fart. And it's caught on tape. Right in the middle of the test. (the whole bed is shaking and I've managed to laugh myself to tears already) So, we were so brilliant that we thought we should turn that one single fart into a smash hit best seller cassette filled with kabongo farts. It was an older recorder so each "kabongo" started like a snowy-tv sound then a "fart". Then the snowy-tv sound and a fart. Over and over. And over. And. Over. Both sides of a 90 minute cassette. We played that stupid thing over and over and laughed and laughed. (still laughing, bed still shaking, dogs think I've lost it) One night we were playing our smash hit never ending kabongo's tape and sitting on my parents bed laughing and oh-so proud of our work and I just pee my pants right there and then. On my parents bed. I can't help it and there's no holding it, much less, obviously, any stopping it. Needless to say, Mom didn't approve of our fame and fortune tape and it was confiscated. We never saw it again (although it was much talked about and a come-back session was discussed more than once)until she passed away and we found it in her dresser. I don't know where my fart ever ended up but it didn't make me any money and I don't think I could take a come-back session at my old age. Then there was the super-bouncy-ball right into the cup-o-milk that ended up all over my Dads head. Dripping. Running. Or, every time you got on the phone with your friends or your hotty boyfriend, my Mom would rip a gut wrenching, wall paper peeling, rated 9 on the rhictor (sp?) scale fart, usually in your ear. I think the fart thing is a family trait huh? As you're cracking up and you're watching her laugh so hard her body shakes your friends/boyfriend ask "what's so funny??" Like you can tell them?? So you just say "oh, my Mom's just being funny" and pray to high heavens that they don't ask what she's doing. It happened every time. I swear that woman could fart on command. Then there was the time I pinched YS arm with a nutcracker and I was blackmailed with it FOREVER. She never ratted me out but boy did I do her shit-work for months! Like I said, the list goes on and on and ON.. and it's every bit as hillarious today as it was back then, probably even more so these days. Try it, make a list and then laugh yourself silly!

Ok, enough is enough. I need more ibuprofin and really want to sleep. Have a great weekend ladies!

The heart remembers best what it loved the most.

� grizmom at
2005-12-02
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