The tale of two appointments...
It sure is strange to be back to work at job 1, but, it is nice to get back into a routine. Even job 2, in all it's craziness, was good last night.I came home after 2 appts this afternoon/evening and found son working on .. get this .. the kitchen oak floor! Boom-chuck-a-lucka-lucka-boom-chuck-a-lucka-lucka! I was THRILLED! It looks fantastic, and, the best part about it is the toe-stubbing sock tearing pieces that were killing all of us are history. It's B.E.A.utiful. I'd say it's 3/4 of the way finished. NOW, that's what I call progress!
Appt 1 - the chiropractor. Yep, snap snap, pop pop.. see you Friday. It's better, much better, but not quite right. It seems to be more sore but maybe it's from being messed with after all these months. I think my hip originally went out in like March or April, but, it didn't hurt THAT BAD so, me being the bad patient I am, I didn't do anything about it. Obviously.
Appt 2 - the counselor. Yep, finally broke down and called one. A lady I've known for years but never thought about it until yesterday. We've known eachother for years and it was easy easy easy for me to just lay it all on the line. She knows my ex-husband and had for many years prior to us being married, so that helps too. She knows the exact jerk that he is. She did tell me that her and her husband (talk about 2 people that are the salt of the earth...) wondered why I stuck it out so long and why I hung in there. So, that, in a sense, was nice to hear. I'm not as crazy as I had originally thought. Who'd have thunk it? And, the good news, I'm not as broken as I thought either. She's recommended a couple books for me to read about starting over after an abusive relationship and then if I want to get together and "trouble shoot" some things, she said to call. Otherwise, she said I'm smart and I can fix this. She even said it's not as bad as it might seem to be. I don't know about that, but I'm sure fixin' to find out.
Let me clearify the abusive relationship thing. It wasn't a physical-beat me black and blue every week relationship. Usually. We had 2 or 3 physical fights out of 14 years. One was him slamming me up against the front door and holding me there by the throat as our on-lookers were our 3 kids. (my son and his 2 boys) But, anyway, what our marriage did consist of was whatever he wanted and however he said he wanted it to be.
I wasn't to ask for anything or challenge anything he said or did, or need him or need anything for that matter. He tore me down bit by bit until I was merely a shadow of him. I worked 2 and 3 jobs sometimes to make ends meet while he laid on the couch and screamed and yelled at our 3 kids about what pieces of crap they were. Then, when I'd get home, I was to take care of kids if they were still up, take care of the house, dishes, laundry and be "available" if he wanted anything from me.
I found a lot of satisfaction working as much as I did though, I guess because it was the one and ONLY time my husband was ever happy with me. (as long as I handed over the check) So, I worked. And worked. And... worked. Still. To this day. It's really all I know how to do. So, I learned to do it well.
But now, I'm like so self sufficient and self reliant (and SCARED) that I won't let anyone in. I don't need anyone's help, I don't need anyone to care about me, I don't don't don't don't need want expect ..... you get the picture. Anyway, it's craziness, and it just has to stop. Ok, enough of that... I'm screwed up, but it's not beyond repair, or so she says.
I completely tossed caution to the wind tonight and went for a walk. Yep, it's true. Outside, in public, alone, just walking and thinking and carrying on a make-believe conversation that I hope to have with Really Good Man sometime. The sky sure is a different shade of blue with the weight of the world lifted off your shoulders. It's almost like a breath of fresh air. aaawwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I'm happy to report that there appears to be no lasting effects from being sicky sicky on Sunday. Yesterday I didn't feel that whoopy, tired mostly and a little bit achey, but today I'm fine. If I can get my back all cracked back into whack and my thinking all straightened out ... look out! :)
Ok, that's it. The sessions over. Join me on the couch next time for the next session of my screwed up life... til then, have a great week ladies!
The heart remembers best what it has loved the most.
� grizmom at
2006-01-03
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