Wedding Blues
I know getting this off my chest won't change a single thing, but I'm tired of having my head pound about it.Have you ever had your feelings hurt by your child? Even if it was unintentional? It's one of the worst kinds of hurt I've known. For some stupid reason, I just can't seem to shake it either. I play it over and over and O.V.E.R. again in what's left of my mind and still, it comes out the same in the end.
Ok --
The new developement as most of you already know is that my son is getting married. I'm elated. I want them to have their wedding however they want it. I'm trying really hard (and believe me, it's a big job!) to keep my nose out of it and do what I'm asked, and, have been really careful about tossing out too many ideas. This is their shin-dig and I want them to plan it based on what they like, not what Mom likes. SO...
They were working on the guest list, etc, trying to get a count. They had thought they would just do family at the wedding since the bride has quite an extensive disfuctional family. Mine on the other hand is small, but can be equally if not more disfunctional. I just mentioned that I might like to have a couple of my own good friends there.
Son spouts off (much to my suprise) "notice, we didn't invite our friends..." I just said ok and went out the door for a much needed stress relieving fat burning walk. Ok, well I got in the car and drove around a bit first, then parked and went for a walk. The more I walked, the more I cried.
All I can think about are these two things -- I'm single and my child is getting married, which means, I'll now be sitting there all alone, surely looking like the pathetic wall flower I am.
AND - this is the real butt burner here -- his Dad will be standing up with him. Yep, his Dad. The man who donated his sperm and paid his child support for 18 years. Nothing extra, never made a ball game he played, never got excited about anything he ever did-including high school and college graduation, not that excited and supportive of son owning and operating his own booming construction business, never never never anything unless HE needed sons help with something. I raised this young man. I know every scar, every tear, every laugh, every hurt, every everything. I never missed a thing. He knew that no matter what, Mom will be there. And I was. I was the one that went without when I had to so he could have. I was the one who went without sleep to make sure the school project got finished. I was the one that took care of him when he had his tonsils out at 14. I was the one who took care of him when he fractured his skull at 15. I was the one who took care of him when he had knee surgery at 17. His Dad didn't call, didn't come to town, didn't anything. E.V.E.R. It's not "gee, look how great I am" it's just what parents do. It took 2 of us to make this baby, and notice - hmmm it's only taken ONE of us to raise him for 20 years. Well, one of us and many of my friends!
So.. here's my pathetic summary ...
Gee Mom, sorry, you can't have any of your OWN friends and support there. Your parents won't obviously be there since they've both passed away now. But thanks for raising me and making me the fine man I've become. Oh and by the way, DAD will be my best man. And as shit-luck would have it, his Dad is just friggin' elated as shit to do this. Wouldn't you just know?
Not that I should be anything but the mother of the groom, but he has plenty of friends that could easily and willingly take their place next to him for this big event. But he chooses his "never there for him" Dad.
It's been a crappy few days because of this. I find myself in tears more than not. Son keeps asking "what's wrong?" How do I tell him without making him feel like he needs to "adjust" his plans for me? I can't, especially since I continue to tell him that this is his wedding and he can have it any way he wants it.
I can just hear it now "let me introduce you to my wha-wha cry baby can't sit by herself boo hoo mother..."
This stinks.
The heart remembers best what it loved the most.
� grizmom at
2005-10-25
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